MERCH!

Everybody listen up. Or read up. I don't think you can listen to a blog unless you have really good ears or some shit. Like dog ears. Well, I guess since the internet covers like the whole country and shit, there might be people who don't know about me. I'm Elliot Merchowski but people have always called me Merch. I don't get it but I like it cause I can be all like "MERCH!" whenever shit happens. Nobody else has that nickname except my sister Elliana. She's like older and stuff and lives with some guy in the city.

I'm basically the best athlete in Bergen County NJ, and since we're the richest people ever I'm probably also the best athlete in the world. I started weight lifting when I was six and my dad wanted me to help him set up some dumbells. I carried that shit so easy I made him buy an extra set so I could get big. I got so fucking big. Then my dad moved out and my mom married my stepdad. I call my stepdad my dad because he lives with me and my dad stepdad because I gotta step over to another town whenever I wanna see him. You guys get that shit? It's funny.

So I'm writing this blog because I got a lot of sunburn and I have to stay inside for like a bunch of days cause if you burn too much you get cancer. My girlfriend, Autumn, says you can't punch cancer in the face and steal it's lunch money so I shouldn't fuck with it. She didn't say "fuck" though. Autumn doesn't like cursing. She says I can do it because she accepts me the way I am and shit but she like makes faces all the time when I do. Whatever, she's fucking hot. Anyway, Autmn thinks if I write I'm gonna get in touch with my inner Merch and be sensitive and shit. I'm fucking sensitive. Last week there was a kitten stuck in a tree and I fucking pushed the tree over to save the kitten.

I'm gonna write more later, I need to go cover myself in some plant goo so I don't itch like that time I nailed my sister's friend Tricia.