Merch is not diseased!

Some fucker e-mailed me that I'm gonna have a hard time getting laid if I talk about itching like that. It was just crabs! Tricia must have been hanging out at the beach too long. Sometimes you get sunburn, sometimes crabs. I fucking love seafood because I can break shit and then eat it.

As for having a hard time getting laid. Fuck that. I can get laid whenever. My sister Elliana is like five years older than me cause she was born in the fucking 80's. She started having these big ass sleepovers at our house when I was like 8 years old, right around the time I hit puberty. I was fucking jacked from my weights so all her friends were like "Fuck me Merch!". I was all like, oh shit, lesbians! But then I realized they were talking to me and not my sister. I was so experienced by the time I got to high school that Principal Teechar let me teach sex ed. due to severe understaffing.

That was the shit, but I got fired when Tiff complained that I was showing porn in class. Tiffany is Autumn's ethnic friend. She has nice fucking tits but she's a huge bitch. So I don't hate her.

Now I don't want any fucking e-mails being all like, "Merch, you're a slut." Men can't be sluts, it's in the dictionary. And I read the fucking dictionary. Habitually. That means A LOT, see. Besides, Autumn is a virgin and I respect that. It's actually most of the reason I date her. She's unattainable. That means I can't reach her. And I respect things I can't reach. Unless I can knock them over. I can't knock Autumn over because she's all about women's rights and shit.

Gotta go, my back's peeling like crazy and I'm gonna save it all in a jar for Autumn. She loves presents. MERCH!