You know what? I read a fucking book. Other than my favorite book, the dictionary. WEBSTERS BITCH! You know how there's no school in the summer? Well they make us fucking read anyway. Principal Teechar said if you don't read for three months, you forget how. I thought he was lying because I usually make Elijah do my reading for me, but Elijah pointed out that I read Hustler and stop signs.

Elijah Wolfowitz is this kid I grew up with. 'Cept he stopped growing at like 15 cause he's awkward. Not awkward like Autumn falling down all the time. Awkward like he speaks nonsense when he tries to talk to Tiff cause he wants to bang her. He's does shit like my homework and bringing me lunch money. I have to beat him up at school because he's a fucking nerd. BUT because I'm a good guy, he knows what's coming.

Monday: SWIRLY!!!

Tuesday: I stuff him into a locker. I stole a little reading lamp for him so he can study while he's stuck there.

Wednesday: I stab him in the arm with a fucking pencil. But no lead.

Thursday: I like to give him a break from violence so I go into the principal's office and read his journal over the PA

Friday: It's the end of the week so I actually beat him pretty good, he has the whole weekend to recover. I don't hit him in the face though. I read that ugly duckling shit and I don't wanna ruin his chances of looking like an ok dude in the future. SEE AUTUMN, I got sensitive coming out of my ass. MERCH!

Oh, the book...I didn't make Elijah read it for me cause of my sunburn. FUCK! This entry is long like that shit I took after I ate a whole pizza on thursday. I fucking love pizza. I'm hungry...

Ok, I'll post my book report later...

Merch is not diseased!

Some fucker e-mailed me that I'm gonna have a hard time getting laid if I talk about itching like that. It was just crabs! Tricia must have been hanging out at the beach too long. Sometimes you get sunburn, sometimes crabs. I fucking love seafood because I can break shit and then eat it.

As for having a hard time getting laid. Fuck that. I can get laid whenever. My sister Elliana is like five years older than me cause she was born in the fucking 80's. She started having these big ass sleepovers at our house when I was like 8 years old, right around the time I hit puberty. I was fucking jacked from my weights so all her friends were like "Fuck me Merch!". I was all like, oh shit, lesbians! But then I realized they were talking to me and not my sister. I was so experienced by the time I got to high school that Principal Teechar let me teach sex ed. due to severe understaffing.

That was the shit, but I got fired when Tiff complained that I was showing porn in class. Tiffany is Autumn's ethnic friend. She has nice fucking tits but she's a huge bitch. So I don't hate her.

Now I don't want any fucking e-mails being all like, "Merch, you're a slut." Men can't be sluts, it's in the dictionary. And I read the fucking dictionary. Habitually. That means A LOT, see. Besides, Autumn is a virgin and I respect that. It's actually most of the reason I date her. She's unattainable. That means I can't reach her. And I respect things I can't reach. Unless I can knock them over. I can't knock Autumn over because she's all about women's rights and shit.

Gotta go, my back's peeling like crazy and I'm gonna save it all in a jar for Autumn. She loves presents. MERCH!

MERCH!

Everybody listen up. Or read up. I don't think you can listen to a blog unless you have really good ears or some shit. Like dog ears. Well, I guess since the internet covers like the whole country and shit, there might be people who don't know about me. I'm Elliot Merchowski but people have always called me Merch. I don't get it but I like it cause I can be all like "MERCH!" whenever shit happens. Nobody else has that nickname except my sister Elliana. She's like older and stuff and lives with some guy in the city.

I'm basically the best athlete in Bergen County NJ, and since we're the richest people ever I'm probably also the best athlete in the world. I started weight lifting when I was six and my dad wanted me to help him set up some dumbells. I carried that shit so easy I made him buy an extra set so I could get big. I got so fucking big. Then my dad moved out and my mom married my stepdad. I call my stepdad my dad because he lives with me and my dad stepdad because I gotta step over to another town whenever I wanna see him. You guys get that shit? It's funny.

So I'm writing this blog because I got a lot of sunburn and I have to stay inside for like a bunch of days cause if you burn too much you get cancer. My girlfriend, Autumn, says you can't punch cancer in the face and steal it's lunch money so I shouldn't fuck with it. She didn't say "fuck" though. Autumn doesn't like cursing. She says I can do it because she accepts me the way I am and shit but she like makes faces all the time when I do. Whatever, she's fucking hot. Anyway, Autmn thinks if I write I'm gonna get in touch with my inner Merch and be sensitive and shit. I'm fucking sensitive. Last week there was a kitten stuck in a tree and I fucking pushed the tree over to save the kitten.

I'm gonna write more later, I need to go cover myself in some plant goo so I don't itch like that time I nailed my sister's friend Tricia.