Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving was fun! Here's the e-mail I wrote to Tiffany afterwards.

Tiff,
I wanted to tell you some shit real quick cause it's like time to say
emotional stuff. I really liked that purple top you wore at the party
on Thanksgiving eve cause when it was cold out your nipples were like
super fucking hard. I also liked when I did those body shots off your
ass. I'll post the pictures on facebook tonight.

I know that you're not American so you might not understand why
Thanksgiving is important but you'll learn that just like you kind of
learned English.

P.S. I found your panties, why were you wearing them anyway?

-Merch

I never got to post the pictures because that fucking turkey that I thought was dead woke up and ate my camera. Then, Birdzilla escaped out the dog door but I whipped a flaming bottle of liquor at it and look what happened!


...it was the craziest thing I've ever seen that day! Also, Tiff's response "Merch, I've been able to spoke english my whole life." was amazingly coherent (understandable) with only one mistake. That's like 1 million percent less than usual.

Christmas post coming soon!

I'm thankful for...

Autumn. That's fucking funny cause it's the same season as her name. I'm thankful for Autumn in Autumn. HAHA. HAHAHA. Ok seriously. I have a list of things I'm thankful for and then some plans for the week. Here goes. 5 things...

1. I'm thankful for Autumn cause she's hot and has nice tits and keeps coming back even though we break up every week.

2. I'm thankful for high school because if we were anywhere else I wouldn't get away with kicking dudes asses for looking at Autumn.

3. I'm thankful for Autumn's tits because they're attached to Autumn and I can play with them and Autumn is still a virgin like she likes.

4. I'm thankful for divorce cause I get more presents than normal kids.

5. Muscles are awesome. Without muscles I wouldn't have saved the school from that Hurricane. I wouldn't have been able to bury Autumn alive by accident so quickly. I wouldn't have been able to break the wall between the boys and girls locker rooms. I am so fucking thankful for muscles.

Ok, since Thanksgiving is this week, I need to do something to show Autumn how thankful I am. I will be visiting my sister starting tomorrow and I'm going to go up to fucking Inwood at the top of Manhattan where people don't go. There's like animals there and shit so I'm gonna kill a fucking turkey and stuff it with leaves like an accountant. Isn't it wierd that people that do taxes stuff animals too?

Autumn doesn't eat meat so I'm gonna use the dead bird as a model to make a turkey shaped vegetable thing with squash and shit. She's gonna fucking love it. The best way to catch a turkey is with a bunch of bear traps probably so I'm gonna lay them out all over the trails and see what happens. It's gonna be sick and way cheaper than buying a turkey at the store. My sister says NY prices are fucked.

School!!!

Holy shit school is awesome. You know like in the beginning of the year it's still fucking hot but you have to be inside and all the girls are wearing short skirts. Fuck yeah! Autumn doesn't wear skirts because she thinks having open clothing is a gateway to temptation. Tiffany doesn't wear underwear because she says it gets in the way...except she says she has enough underwear for one week a month...I don't get it.

So now I'm a fucking senior. Everybody knows I own the school. I stole the deed from the the township office building...

NOVEMBER 21st 2008.

I wrote this shit like two months ago and then my computer broke when I threw it out a fucking window for having too many popups. I never posted it. So here is a half completed Merch post and I have a Thanksgiving post on the way.

Similar interests!

This fucking blog is opening me up to a whole new world of people. I have all this shit about my interests on my profile and the letters turned blue and have underlines. If you click on them it shows you everyone else who likes the same things I do! I'm gonna tell you about people I found that are just like me, 'cept not as strong. There's a whole fucklot of other blogs to explore.

Interest: Breaking shit
J.Scott?! likes breaking shit.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/08068512876212365621
I especially liked J.Scott?! because he has a job as a Transformer. That's fucking awesome, I can't believe that shit. I wonder if he's the kind that turns into a fucking truck or if he's just a piece of electronic equipment. Either way I bet he gets some sick healthcare cause electrical engineers probably don't charge as much as doctors. Also, his favorite book is "Lots of pages." I bet there were a lot of words in that one. Sick.

Interest: Knocking stuff down
Bammer likes knocking stuff down, just like me!
http://www.blogger.com/profile/01395342842836587756
Bammer says he's cute and sweet and smart because his mommy told him that. My mom only tells me to lay off the protein shakes and control my rage. Autumn says I'm sweet a lot but she always hesitates first like she was gonna say some other shit. I looked at Bammer's blog and he's like 6 years old and not jacked at all. You can like knocking stuff down but you'll never be as good at it as me, MERCH! Congratulations on the big boy bed.

Interest: Banging chicks
Eric likes banging chicks...who doesn't.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/01875355666164561040
His occupation is asshole, I don't know what kind of money he makes but he sure is good at his job! He even starts his entries by insulting the people reading. Everyone is a dumb shit! Fuck dude, you got some balls insulting everybody behind a veil of anonymity. That means people don't know you. That was sarcasm. He also likes fucktardism, and he's the only one!

Interest: My girlfriend Autumn
Chris Hodgson from Saskatchewan, Canada is gonna get my fist in his fucking face.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/01616136079617273292
This is an interest that's not for sharing Chris. I don't care if you are into wrestling and judo. I'm into breaking shit and I'm fucking good. I will swim across the ocean and pound you and then make you buy me a plane ticket back because I'll be fucking tired. JERK! Leave my girlfriend alone!

I need to go break some shit, MERCH ANGRY!

Merch's book report!

The Bad Old Days in Oceania
by Merch

For my summer reading, I read 1984 because I was interested in history before I was born. I am really glad I was born after all that shit happened because it was really fucked up. The book is about Oceania, which is what one of the other continents was called when there was only three continents; America, Oceania and Eurasia (which gets fucked up maybe but could be a lie.) Later, they would split up and become London and some other shit. In this book, there is only one language. This is weird for me because there are like ten languages now in the world.

Winston is the main character and he totally gets laid in this book. I wish there were some pictures because Julia, his piece, sounds hot. There are a bunch of bad guys that have a stick up their ass and I don't know what his big brother's problem is. Like brothers should look out for one another but this guy threatens to put a cage of rats on his head! That shit is crazy...maybe I will try that on Elijah sometime, my sister said there are lots of rats in NY and maybe I could get some.

There was like this part that was another book inside the book and I don't like reading two books at once because I get confused. So I skipped that part. Also I would like to say that I found some very interesting parallels between this book and the Russian Revolution and Communist Russia in general. That may sound stupid, but it's what I fucking think! So stick that in your "memory hole" (a device used to incinerate...which means burn...the truth in the book!!!). Sorry, sometimes when I feel strongly about something I get defensive. I would have edited this part out but I believe that work should be presented as written for authenticity...which means real.

Also I don't get that guy Syme...how do you say his name? Is it Sim? Sime? Symee? It could be fucking anything! Also, cigarettes do not lead to victory and therefore they should not be called Victory Cigarettes. Victory Gin, I can play that.

In conclusion, I did not like the world in 1984 because they did not have a lot of words and the dictionary was very short. If this book were the way it is today, then my favorite book would almost not exist. Fuck newspeak. MERCH!

You know what? I read a fucking book. Other than my favorite book, the dictionary. WEBSTERS BITCH! You know how there's no school in the summer? Well they make us fucking read anyway. Principal Teechar said if you don't read for three months, you forget how. I thought he was lying because I usually make Elijah do my reading for me, but Elijah pointed out that I read Hustler and stop signs.

Elijah Wolfowitz is this kid I grew up with. 'Cept he stopped growing at like 15 cause he's awkward. Not awkward like Autumn falling down all the time. Awkward like he speaks nonsense when he tries to talk to Tiff cause he wants to bang her. He's does shit like my homework and bringing me lunch money. I have to beat him up at school because he's a fucking nerd. BUT because I'm a good guy, he knows what's coming.

Monday: SWIRLY!!!

Tuesday: I stuff him into a locker. I stole a little reading lamp for him so he can study while he's stuck there.

Wednesday: I stab him in the arm with a fucking pencil. But no lead.

Thursday: I like to give him a break from violence so I go into the principal's office and read his journal over the PA

Friday: It's the end of the week so I actually beat him pretty good, he has the whole weekend to recover. I don't hit him in the face though. I read that ugly duckling shit and I don't wanna ruin his chances of looking like an ok dude in the future. SEE AUTUMN, I got sensitive coming out of my ass. MERCH!

Oh, the book...I didn't make Elijah read it for me cause of my sunburn. FUCK! This entry is long like that shit I took after I ate a whole pizza on thursday. I fucking love pizza. I'm hungry...

Ok, I'll post my book report later...

Merch is not diseased!

Some fucker e-mailed me that I'm gonna have a hard time getting laid if I talk about itching like that. It was just crabs! Tricia must have been hanging out at the beach too long. Sometimes you get sunburn, sometimes crabs. I fucking love seafood because I can break shit and then eat it.

As for having a hard time getting laid. Fuck that. I can get laid whenever. My sister Elliana is like five years older than me cause she was born in the fucking 80's. She started having these big ass sleepovers at our house when I was like 8 years old, right around the time I hit puberty. I was fucking jacked from my weights so all her friends were like "Fuck me Merch!". I was all like, oh shit, lesbians! But then I realized they were talking to me and not my sister. I was so experienced by the time I got to high school that Principal Teechar let me teach sex ed. due to severe understaffing.

That was the shit, but I got fired when Tiff complained that I was showing porn in class. Tiffany is Autumn's ethnic friend. She has nice fucking tits but she's a huge bitch. So I don't hate her.

Now I don't want any fucking e-mails being all like, "Merch, you're a slut." Men can't be sluts, it's in the dictionary. And I read the fucking dictionary. Habitually. That means A LOT, see. Besides, Autumn is a virgin and I respect that. It's actually most of the reason I date her. She's unattainable. That means I can't reach her. And I respect things I can't reach. Unless I can knock them over. I can't knock Autumn over because she's all about women's rights and shit.

Gotta go, my back's peeling like crazy and I'm gonna save it all in a jar for Autumn. She loves presents. MERCH!

MERCH!

Everybody listen up. Or read up. I don't think you can listen to a blog unless you have really good ears or some shit. Like dog ears. Well, I guess since the internet covers like the whole country and shit, there might be people who don't know about me. I'm Elliot Merchowski but people have always called me Merch. I don't get it but I like it cause I can be all like "MERCH!" whenever shit happens. Nobody else has that nickname except my sister Elliana. She's like older and stuff and lives with some guy in the city.

I'm basically the best athlete in Bergen County NJ, and since we're the richest people ever I'm probably also the best athlete in the world. I started weight lifting when I was six and my dad wanted me to help him set up some dumbells. I carried that shit so easy I made him buy an extra set so I could get big. I got so fucking big. Then my dad moved out and my mom married my stepdad. I call my stepdad my dad because he lives with me and my dad stepdad because I gotta step over to another town whenever I wanna see him. You guys get that shit? It's funny.

So I'm writing this blog because I got a lot of sunburn and I have to stay inside for like a bunch of days cause if you burn too much you get cancer. My girlfriend, Autumn, says you can't punch cancer in the face and steal it's lunch money so I shouldn't fuck with it. She didn't say "fuck" though. Autumn doesn't like cursing. She says I can do it because she accepts me the way I am and shit but she like makes faces all the time when I do. Whatever, she's fucking hot. Anyway, Autmn thinks if I write I'm gonna get in touch with my inner Merch and be sensitive and shit. I'm fucking sensitive. Last week there was a kitten stuck in a tree and I fucking pushed the tree over to save the kitten.

I'm gonna write more later, I need to go cover myself in some plant goo so I don't itch like that time I nailed my sister's friend Tricia.